Eight (and a half) Disjointed Thoughts


I.
I've been mad all day, mad for various reasons that, in the grand scheme of things, are unimportant. But I hate that phrase, because in the grandest scheme of things I'm unimportant, and so are all of you. There's always a bigger picture bigger than the one you're looking at, isn't there? So why not focus on the little things sometimes? I'm allowed to be angry because I didn't manage to get any Fall Out Boy tickets, or because I have trapped wind, or because I don't feel like talking, but I have to talk.

II.
If you had the opportunity to be at home for a whole week, and no one forced you to talk, how long do you think you could go without talking? I'm positive I could last the week and longer. I'd rather not talk mostly, it gives me more room to think, so thinking won't stress me out as much. Sometimes I get stressed out because I need to talk, but I'm in the middle of a thought, and I can't fit the two things on the narrow pathway of my brain at the same time. Someone has to be sacrificed, and it's usually the words. I'm very internally focused, my IAPT advisor made me realise that. It's not a good thing, because the reason I feel so uncomfortable and shy interacting with people is because of that self-focus. I'm thinking too hard about how others perceive me, or what I should say to make myself sound smart, to actually engage properly in the conversation.

III.
I am really mad I couldn't get those Fall Out Boy tickets, and I think I'm going to stay mad for a long time.

IV.
Hey, if I'm shitty to you when I'm in a bad mood I'm sorry, but I find it so difficult to think and for thoughts not to be scrambled and jumbled when I'm agitated that sometimes the slightest thing you can do to throw me off my thought process will irritate the hell out of me.

V.
I make up scenarios in my head about confronting people, from my good friends to my family to strangers on the tube that looked at me funny one time. It gets me really angry and heated up and if I do have to interact with that person and they end up being really friendly it makes me kind of sad and angry in a different way. Like, I'm mad I didn't get to “show them what's what” or whatever I was thinking, but also I'm angry at myself for misjudging this person's character. This then makes me sad. You see how much I suck?

VI.
I have a sneaking suspicion that my birth control (Implanon) is negatively affecting my moods, but I have it in for two more years so fuck.

VII.
My greatest fear, and this might be TMI and super sad or whatever, is that I'm the girl everyone is friendly to when she's around but they talk about and call a real fucking weirdo when she's not. I think part of the reason I'm afraid of it is because there are people I've talked about like that before, so maybe I have that bad karma coming to me. I mean, in hindsight I've always felt bad about it, but that doesn't remove from the fact that I've done it.

VIII.
I think at some point in my life I've managed to eliminate the potential for unrequited love in myself. Does that make sense? I really don't think I can be romantically attracted to someone that I don't think would be attracted to me. Sexually, sure, but romantically I don't think so. The dots just don't really connect. If I'm sure they're not into me, and in no circumstances would they be, I find it incredibly difficult to waste my time on falling for them. I think that is such a cool trait, it's one I'm quite happy with. I do wonder if it's a product of low self-esteem though, like I don't even think it would be possible for me to win them over. I don't much care though because I have a boyfriend so it's a non-issue.

VIII (and a half...?).

If there are any topics you would want me to write about for any reason go ahead and ask. I can't guarantee I'll agree to do it if it's like, my opinion on fart porn or something, but I'll see what I can do.


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