Having the best friends ever and the problems it may cause
I had a wonderful New Year's Eve this year. So, before I write anything introspective and thoughtful and mildly depressing I want to thank my closest group of friends for being who they are. We're all sort of flawed and dysfunctional and socially awkward in our own ways, and we have been through a lot of things. A lot of, by our own admission, pretty stupid things. However, we all seem to manage to come out of the other side being closer. The people I like to keep around me are the people I don't have to talk to regularly, but when we do talk it's easy and it falls into place as if there was no gap between conversations. The thing is that's not a lot of people.
For all intents and purposes I'm not that great of a friend. As an introvert, social interaction can be comfortable and fun and engaging, but whether it is or isn't it's always draining in some way. Even when talking over the internet, conversations tend to sap the energy out of me after a while. Because of this, I tend to do things like cut off conversations without saying goodbye, forget to reply to messages, feign being busy in order to avoid going out and 100 other things to just avoid people that, really, I love and cherish very much. I don't have the energy for epic conversations a lot of the time. The closer we are, the longer we can talk for, but my alone time is so immensely important to me. I would not be able to cope without it.
This year for NYE we went to our friend's house for the four Ds: Drinking, Dungeons & Dragons, and Deep conversations.
The conversation wasn't planned, but it usually happens when we all get together. We were talking for a long time about love, life, university, jobs, sex, the past, the present, old friends, new friends, stupid decisions...the list goes on and on. It only just struck me as I was thinking about what to write today, but although we were talking about new experiences and what had changed or was changing in our lives, and although most of us don't live in the same place anymore because of university, we're talking as if nothing has changed. We are so able to just pick up where we left off and treat each other the same. It's something I'm so lucky to have with close friends.
I think about us as a group a lot. I've known the boys since I was about fifteen, one of my female friends I've known since I was, maybe, thirteen, and the other female friend we met when we were all about eighteen or nineteen. Statistically, we should not all be friends anymore. Most people lose touch with almost everyone they were close to as a teenager. Our closeness is so effortless, however, that I can't really see us ever growing apart at this point (touch wood). The bad thing is I sort of don't know how to keep friends very well, haha. We're so relaxed, I find it difficult to put the normal amount of effort required into maintaining a friendship.
So I would just like to take a minute to formally apologise to the people I've been friends with and barely contacted, or have always waited for them to contact me first. It's never anything personal, and I do love you. I just have a very strong learned behaviour in terms of friendships and how they work, and it will take some work for me to get out of that habit.
Not only that, but I have such a specific sense of humour now, and it's maybe 75% inside jokes and the rest are insults so part of the reason I can be so quiet is because I'm worried about being offensive.
It may be a surprise, but not everyone appreciates the friendliness of "oh my God you gross piece of shit. Get away from me" as a first greeting.