You're probably exhausted, I know I am

I just want to freewrite a rant for a while if that's okay with you guys? Hopefully, you find it helpful, enlightening, or amusing in some way, or at least it will inspire you to write out a little rant of your own to let off some steam.

So listen, 

This anxiety crap is exhausting. 

That's an obvious point to make, I realise, but I don't think I acknowledge that quite enough. I make a real effort to show you all my best self on this blog, but the reality is I'm just as much of a mess as you might be, if not worse. If you never turn your laptop off, always leave it running a tonne of programs, and never maintain it, eventually something is going to burn out at a much faster rate than it would if you were taking better care of it. An anxious brain is like a laptop running Google Chrome with 27 tabs open, word, photoshop, the Sims, and Spotify. If you so much as attempt to open up notepad and the whole thing might freeze up. Thus, we have panic attacks or bouts of depression or all the other fun things.

It is exhausting. I am exhausted.

All I want to do is turn off, and I know that if I really try I can do that for a while with meditation. The thing is, just like when I'm in a rush to work I forget to turn off my laptop when I'm in a whirlwind of anxiety I forget to switch off my brain.

I spend my work hours panicking about work and my resting hours panicking about going to work. I worry about the future and the past and the things I can't control, and I look at the things I can control, but they make me feel sick with worry. Then eventually I start making changes. Small, gradual changes and all it takes is one remark or look or word by another person to hit me in the wrong way and all my hope and pride in myself turns to shit.

It is exhausting. I am exhausted.

I've been having a bad week or so, and after starting to do some small things to try and turn the tables I got a pretty substantial knockback in the form of people "trying to help" which I can't necessarily blame them for. It just sucks to get your flaws pointed out in a really indelicate way, and I'd like to kind of take a moment to let anyone who might be reading this know that judging someone's temperament, fragility, and mood is a good way to assess the most effective way to communicate a point to them. That's all.

Thanks for listening, and while this was largely catharsis for me I hope it sort of encouraged you all to let out your frustrations in some healthy way, or it was something you could relate to. I'm still trying to present some of my best self by making sure anything I post on here might be positive for someone else, and hopefully still succeeding in that.

Let me know how you're doing in the comments below.

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